Born Without A Mask

'Cause I know my weakness, know my voice,
And I'll believe in grace and choice
And I know perhaps my heart is farce,
But I'll be born without a mask "Babel"

Mumford & Sons

If you ask my immediate family, they will definitely confirm that I have been on a bit of a Mumford & Sons music kick lately.  I guess I'm just a sucker for a driving drum beat and liberal use of the banjo, but as I have listened to their new album, I've been struck by how their lyrics speak to our little family's situation.  I know it'll take some explaining...so, here goes.

First and absolutely foremost, Elizabeth, our warrior diva, is doing well.  She continues to be medically somewhat stable and we haven't had to go to the hospital lately on short notice, so we consider that a huge blessing.  She is growing slowly and gaining weight.  She tops 20 pounds now!  And, we get no small amount of unfiltered joy when we need to buy a bigger sizes of clothing for her. It's the little things, I guess.

One thing we have seen Elizabeth do much more often lately is laugh.  Laugh out loud and cackle with joy.  It brings happy tears to my eyes every time to hear my precious little girl--the same little lady that myriad doctors told us we would never meet, or would only get to hold for an hour or so--laugh uproariously at something Michael said to her, or just let out a giggle when Caroline walks in the room.  Over the last few months, Elizabeth will just wake up laughing.  We can hear her on our baby monitor in our room as she gets up with the sun (she is a notoriously early riser) and begins her little ritual of talking to herself--this is where she tries out new sounds, different volumes for things, and her "presentation".  (As I've said before she doesn't really say "words" as you and I recognize them, but I dare anyone who has ever heard her talking--or God forbid, been the recipient of stern rebuke from her!--tell me that she isn't eloquent in the expression of her thoughts.  There is no subtlety to her at all.  She has found her language and is very fluent in it!)  It is precious to hear her working on her voice and trying out some new sound that she surprises herself with.  She will try the sound softly and then repeat it, gradually getting louder with each try.  She is testing it out for its best effectiveness and needs to see what volume goes with that sound.  It is stunning and beautiful and amazing all at once.  She is teaching herself--teaching herself!--a language.  She is discovering her voice, literally, and experimenting with it during that pre-dawn lesson.  She'll coo and grunt, say "Hi" in different volumes, move into "aboo" with different emphasis on certain parts, move on to "mama" and "didi" then gradually try out her clicking sound, and those new sounds she made up. That wonderful, perfect glorious brain of hers is putting together a little vocal lesson in those mornings.  God is inspiring her to speak and I like to think that in those times she is having a glorious and moving conversation with her Creator.

Before some of you begin to think that that last sentence as just a "God-add-on", a superfluous injecting of God into this scene, let me explain to you how you are so very wrong:  This little lady, this beautifully created special needs child with tons of developmental and neurological "problems" that serve to limit her cognitive and mental ability, should not be doing ANY of this.  According to man and his scientific medical view, this child should be vegetative, non-responsive, catatonic, non-functioning, seizure-wracked, and so completely neurologically undeveloped that she should have no recognition of anything or anyone.  And, yet, here we are listening to her laugh and "talk".  Now, I'm not here to say that our medical professionals were wrong (they are great people--smart and excellent at their chosen fields!), but I liken it to describing in intricate detail the small scrap of wallpaper in a closet in Versailles---you're missing the big, glorious house!  We are not meant to know everything about the brain.  It is an amazing mystery and I am just now beginning to appreciate the wisdom of God in letting us fail to figure it all out.  I have found a large amount of peace in the shrug of a shoulder of a learned doctor when asked why this is happening.  It shows me that God is in control--and that's awesome.

    But, back to the laughing.  Elizabeth will call for her "aboo" while she lays there in the mornings.  She will continue to call for them until they arrive.  And when they do...well, she is so excited to see them, so happy with the start of a new day, so proud of herself for getting them to do this task, she breaks out into laughter.  And, once she starts laughing, Michael and Caroline and Kathryn and I start to laugh, too.  It's contagious.

 It is a beautiful and simple picture of the absolute joy we should all feel in life.  Simple, non-complex, un-cynical life. There is no undercurrent in Elizabeth's laugh of mocking or superiority--its just the pure expression of joy bubbling over. She is not hiding anything, she is not using the laughter to cover up her pain.  She is not wearing a mask to the world.  She is just laughing.   That has taught me that I should do everything I can to get to that place in my life again.  Where I can just laugh.

So, we get back to that little Mumford & Sons lyric-- Elizabeth knows her own voice, she strives daily to work on it and enjoy it. Truly enjoy it. And, we have been blessed to hear her practicing.  She exemplifies to me--her dad--the blissful intersection of grace and choice.  The unyielding and absolute grace of her Creator in making and forming such a wonderful little person and allowing Kathryn and I to be tasked with caring for her.  And the choice we get to make in choosing to be happy and full of laughter.  Elizabeth has no mask.  She was born without one--and through the amazing wisdom of God, she was also born without the mental makeup to desire to have one.  And, that is a great gift!

Another little vignette that may add some color to this picture occurred a couple of weeks ago.  We had all gone over to some friends' house to have a nice party with several families (kids and all). The group was one we are around a lot and the kids are all similar ages so everyone gets along great.  Anyway, as the night progressed, the kids came downstairs from playing upstairs and wanted my friend to put on a movie on the TV in the morning room.  As he was doing this and the adults (and Elizabeth) were gathered in the kitchen, he breezed past a YouTube channel menu.  A couple of the older girls (Caroline included!) asked him to stop and put on some music so they could dance.  I was standing there and we laughed at that idea and so we put some silly music video on.  Actually, the video we played was that obnoxious and silly "Gangnam Style" song. What happened next was one of the funniest things I have ever witnessed.  As soon as the song started to play, twelve kids ranging from 3 to 9, who were all doing their own thing (grabbing sandwiches, getting drinks, playing cars, playing with the dogs) stopped and looked up, jumped up and EVERY ONE OF THEM started doing the dance like the guy on the video!  It was like some toddler flash mob!  And each one of these kids was so excited that they knew this silly dance!  I am quite sure that Caroline and Michael had never heard that song while at our house, but they were doing the dance along with everyone else. (Michael was a bit TOO good at it, too!)  It was a picture of unimpeded joy and fun.   All of the adults were at first gobsmacked that the kids were so organized about it, and then we all broke out into laughter.  And Elizabeth, sitting in her bouncer, started laughing, too, as Micheal came around and moved her arms with the music.  That scene comes to my mind when I talk about removing our masks.  Those kids all were just dancing and laughing and enjoying a silly moment.  It was awesome.  (Now, for many of you good people who are reading this--yes, each of those children are part of families that go to a Baptist church, so I guess technically they were "dancing"--and yes, "Gangnam Style" is a secular song by a South Korean pop singer that most likely does not promote theologically sound principles--but, if you have a problem with all of that, I would respectfully suggest that you get over yourself.  Your mask is on too tight!)  It was a demonstration of living life without a mask.  Those kids weren't making some grand statement on the state of our world or trying to bend someone's ear about the issue of the day, they were just dancing.    

I think it is one of the saddest and heart-rending moments in life to see someone you have known decide to put on their "mask" for the first time.  A child who is carefree and laughing, joyous and filled with hope deciding to cover up these natural human feelings with the mask of cynicism and morose sadness in an effort to "fit in". It would be laughable, really, if we could allow ourselves to laugh.  We all wear masks--we all frankly enjoy changing our masks to fit our circumstance.  We cover up the natural feelings of joy that God gave us in favor of putting on a costume of world-weariness.  I think that one of the millions of lessons that Elizabeth is teaching me is to see how futile it is to wear "masks".  It's useless and fools no one.  God knows the real you--the child who loves to laugh--and isn't fooled by a silly mask.  Those around you who seem to like the mask are really just desperately trying to make sure you don't see theirs.  And, so the stage spins... 

     

Now I'll be bold
As well as strong
And use my head alongside my heart
So tame my flesh
And fix my eyes
A tethered mind freed from the lies
"I Will Wait"

Mumford & Sons

And, so I will try to take a lesson from the diva and remove my mask and embrace the joy.  I know I'll fail a lot and may resort back to the deceptive comfort of covering up in that mask, but it is definitely worth a try.  I think that we also can take something from that last line of this other lyric I posted.  "A tethered mind free from the lies"...I kind of love that picture.  It evokes to me a picture of my mind tethered to God and His Son, Jesus--connected for safety's sake to something solid and strong.  But, my mind is freed from the lies of the world, the deception of the need to wear masks and cover up who God made you to be.  And, when you truly free your mind from those lies, you can then see the absolute and total need to tether up to your Creator.  It is what you were truly created to do.  And, Elizabeth--sweet, talkative, giggly warrior Elizabeth--was able to skip all these silly steps and go straight to the end.  She was born without a mask and that is unbelievably cool. 

So, get out and enjoy this life.  And, if you come across a toddler flash mob dancing to South Korean pop, please be kind enough to tell Michael and Caroline to come home when they're done!