All:
One day I was listening to my favorite semi-existential Christian folk band (and really, who doesn’t have a favorite one of those?!) and heard a pretty interesting lyric. Caedmon’s Call sang , “There is a time for wonder—and to wonder why” . I was struck by that statement. That sentence stated pretty clearly where Kathryn and I have found ourselves over the past few months regarding our youngest little angel, Elizabeth. She has been doing so well with her physical therapy and her constant and steady progress had filled our hearts with wonder. We watched in barely disguised amazement as she continued to confound doctors who tried in vain to classify her according to their finite diagnoses. She was boldly and unflinchingly blazing her own trail with us in tow, allowing us to see truly the wonder of God’s faithfulness and grace. It is our time for wonder. Now, these little moments—these little vignettes of grace—are pretty amazing. She has started to put her weight on her feet during physical therapy—something that all the doctors—even the most hopeful—had sworn she would never do. Her muscle tone was just going to be too low, they said…It wasn’t something we could ever even hope for! And yet…there she was a couple of weeks ago…exhibiting wonder. Here’s the picture:
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She continues to eat like a champ and is slowly—oh, so slowly!—gaining a little weight. It seems after months of experimenting, we have found the right combination of Greek yogurt, olive oil, formula, rice cereal and various fruits and vegetables that Elizabeth finds satisfying. She has also now decided that her hand signal of “eat” that she had taught herself (the circular motion of her right fist over her mouth) was not enough for us dense (and probably sleep deprived) parents to figure out, so she is now making a smacking noise with her lips as well to indicate that she is hungry. That was not taught nor suggested, she just figured it out. Let’s camp out there for just a moment. Figured…it…out. This little girl who everyone thought would be vegetative from birth, figured…it…out. An exhibit of true wonder! God is no doubt laughing at our looks of shock and awe at Elizabeth’s recent actions. I’m sure He’s saying, “Well, what did you think I was going to do? Meet your silly expectations? I’ve got a bigger, better plan!” Every day has been one of wonder for Kathryn and I. We never tire of it, and it never gets old.
But, we are also straddling that time of wondering why…Elizabeth has been relatively medically stable over the last few months and that has given us an opportunity to tentatively try to explore where this journey is headed. As each of you know, Elizabeth presents a wholly unique set of issues to the world. No medical professional has ever seen anything like her—so, they can offer no guidance on what to expect or look for as we move down the road. (Now, don’t get us wrong. They are more than willing to test and observe her! She is a part of at least three national case studies and is having her entire genome mapped! Of course, that doesn’t help us with how to proceed with her, but Kathryn and I are adamant that, if she can help some other child who has similar issues in the future, then it is well worth it.) The best explanation (read: educated guess) we have received from an excellent doctor is that Elizabeth will remain an infant for the entirety of her life. That she will, as the doctor put it, “develop and grow at a glacial pace.” Now, on first blush, that sounds a little…weird. Bizarre. Unusual. And, I will fully admit that, as her father and biggest champion, I didn’t want to hear that. What do you mean, silly doctor? This is Elizabeth Leigh Rowan, she can do anything! She has shown tons of people over the last 18 months that she will not be fit into expected results. I simply bowed up and fought the analysis. I was sure I could “defend” her from this frankly silly explanation. We continued to work with Elizabeth and let her shine every day. We didn’t push her too hard, but encouraged her to progress. (And, deep down, this dad was cheering for her to leap up and start walking—no, running!—so that I could lift high that rebellion to the doctors to show them that she was not some glacier of a person who was developmentally delayed.) I refused to accept that Elizabeth’s development would be glacial and slow—that wasn’t how I wanted this story to go. I was stupid. I see that now. God was shaking his head at me—wondering if I was really going to ignore what He had told the doctors to tell us. If we would miss the blessing amidst the frantic attempts by us to “beat the odds”. I’ll freely admit I wanted to make those moments of wonder that Kathryn and I daily saw and make them more dramatic and wonderful to give our beloved Lizzie the chance to thrive. But, notice, friends, the pronoun in those sentences—“I”,” me”. That was the problem. I cannot cause Elizabeth to thrive. Kathryn cannot cause Elizabeth to thrive. Only God can do it. And ONLY God will do it. So, I got bogged down in the time to “wonder why”. It’s a very deceptive place to be. You begin to try to explain everything, when, really, some things defy explanation. You miss the time of wonder by focusing on wondering “why”.
So, one night a while ago, I was holding Elizabeth and watching TV when I flipped onto a documentary on National Parks (really good documentary, by the way…) and they were talking about Yosemite Park in California. They were showing these stunning vistas and landscapes while the narrator was quoting those who were describing the awe they felt in seeing them. It was equal parts breath-taking and slightly cheesy. I was transfixed. And, then the documentary started talking about how John Muir was convinced that these “natural cathedrals” were made completely by glaciers—a pretty controversial idea at the time. There was that word again—glaciers. I looked down at Elizabeth sleeping on my chest and shook my head. “Glacial growth, my foot!” I thought. “This girl isn’t carving mountains out of rock…” and then I stopped myself cold. In that moment, I saw the right orientation of that statement from the doctor. In that moment, I saw the futility of my refusal to see Elizabeth as she was created.
You see, Elizabeth has been created by God with myriad unique issues. Some of those have caused her growth –both physical and neurological—to be inordinately slow. Her muscles are developing at a much slower pace, her size is akin to a six-seven month old baby (rather than 18 month old) and she has not yet reached certain milestones of a child much younger than her. She is in constant physical, occupational and speech therapy to strengthen her muscles and encourage her to sit up. She tackles each of these with a joy and spirit I cannot comprehend, but am hugely proud of. While we know that God can give us miraculous results, we also know that He already has done so with Elizabeth’s mere presence. He has created her to have glacial growth patterns and development. And, that is beyond awesome…it’s simply amazing! God had made Elizabeth EXACTLY as He wanted. He had formed her to develop at a much slower pace than we silly humans are used to. He made her to have “glacial” growth. But, that is another of God’s wonderful gifts that he has bestowed upon Elizabeth. Some would choose to see it as odd, different, even weird. But, we choose to see it as a beautiful expression of God’s wisdom and grace. Just as glaciers slowly grind away over centuries on hard, unforgiving rock to carve out stunning vistas and inspiring scenes, so, too, is God using His little “glacier” to work in small, but steady ways on hard, rocky hearts to carve out those mountains where each of us can stand to be closer to God. Her growth pattern has forced each of us to slow ourselves down a bit and watch as God works in small, but dramatic, ways through Elizabeth to exemplify the wonder of her creation and, thereby, allow her Creator to receive the praise. And, like that glacier, Elizabeth can seem calm and peaceful on the surface—cuddling with you, catching a quick nap, or just looking around with those big blue eyes—but I know she is grinding away underneath with a strength and fortitude I wish I had. Nothing stands in the way of this little girl. She is on a mission. She has things to do, obstacles to overcome, mountains to carve.
So, that brings us to the grocery store. Kathryn and I marvel at how many times a week we go to the grocery store for “just a couple of things”. With three kiddos, it seems we are always out of just the thing we need. Thankfully, a new grocery store opened up near us a few months back, so we are always zipping in to grab something. As Elizabeth is always up for a road trip, we usually take her with us. Invariably, every time we go and take Elizabeth, we get caught up in a conversation with a complete stranger. It never fails. The conversation ALWAYS starts like this” “Oh, what a cute little baby! She’s so little! How old is she?” Kathryn and I both usually tense up a bit when this happens. We shouldn’t, but we do. Elizabeth gives this stranger her best 100-watt grin and turns on her charm full blast (as if to tell us—“Dad and Mom, I’ll put on my best show to reel them in, but you’ve got to set the hook!”) We then respond that she is 19 months old. That usually quiets down the stranger a bit. There is that look on their faces that is a mixture of surprise and pity. Confusion and curiosity. “Oh!” They’ll say. “Was she premature?” I cannot help but laugh a bit at this response. Yes, ma’am, Elizabeth was 13 months premature!, the sassy, cynical person in me wants to say. But, I don’t. That’s not why God put this person here to talk. So, with that intro, Kathryn and I start to tell about Elizabeth and the quick version of her story. We tell this stranger about how God was bigger than a scary diagnosis, how God is working in her and through her now, and how we have to rely on Him in everything. Kathryn is MUCH better at this than me. She is simply stunning in her wonderful way of sharing the amazing journey of Elizabeth. Most times, we have that poor stranger (who just wanted to get some chips and a salad) in tears as we share about Elizabeth. And, every time, our little glacier is smiling and cooing and batting her eyes—putting on her best show! (But, underneath, now I know that she is grinding away at the hard heart of a total stranger…doing precisely what God made her to do.) You see, God has put our whole family in a place that we never thought we would ever be. He took two very private parents, who were timid and quiet in regard to our faith and the sharing of the same, and have made us bold advocates for the miracle of God’s perfect plan. He has taken two wonderful and vivacious children who were scared of many things and made them brave, strong, mature protectors of their little sister. He removed from them the world’s manufactured impression of fear and trepidation of things not understood and different and replaced it with a calm, peaceful acceptance of all people as creations of God. He has exposed to us that we can truly do tons of things we never thought we could if we just lean on Him. He has slowed us down from the hectic pace of life to see the wonder in small things. He’s allowed us to see the opportunity in an innocent question in a grocery store to let our little glacier grind forward.
So, as we find ourselves in that strange intersection of a time of wonder and to wonder “why”, we can only hope that our journey can help others see that no matter what life deals you, you have a winning hand. Elizabeth is such a blessing in our lives, and she daily reminds us that “limitations” and “delays” are just words. That proper “development” is a very deceptive ruler with which to measure success. That God is in control, and He does nothing wrong. And that glaciers are pretty awesome sculptors!
Our sincere thanks to each of you for your constant prayers, words of encouragement, kindnesses and unfailing support! Thanks is never enough, but we do truly mean it! Our best wishes to each of you for a wonderful Thanksgiving—we all have much to be thankful for!
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